The Gralien Report

Recently, my old partner in crime and long time accomplice Joshua P. Warren and I had a chance to catch up at a late-night get together (above ground for a change, as opposed to in our usual radio bunker miles beneath the Earth’s crust). While we were discussing various things, among them his recent addition as a correspondent to the popular late night radio program Coast to Coast AM, Joshua mentioned a recent article I put up regarding “the Top Ten Scariest Monsters” in Forteana. Of course, many of these creatures are indeed horrific–nothing, to me, is more frightening than letting my imagination go wandering as to what the heck Bloop might be. However, I often tend to be a little humorous with my interpretation of the news (ah, what would life be without Comedians?).

“So why don’t you create a real list for me of the top five scariest cryptids?” Josh asked. Indeed, it seemed we differed a bit on what we called “scary”. Josh clarified that the scariest cryptid monsters should be creatures that could “come and get you,” which is why he wouldn’t have included things like the presumably Chtuhoid “Bloop” in such a roundup; even a giant demi-god isn’t dangerous if it never leaves the ocean to destroy mankind, right?

THERFORE… for your viewing enjoyment, I have now compiled a list of the top five (really) scary cryptids. These are cryptozoological or even alien oddities that might curdle the flesh of even the most experienced monster hunters. Reader beware; due to the nature of some of the alleged attacks these creatures have been associated with, some graphic content may not be suitable for the squeamish. Reader caution is advised.

FIVE SCARIEST CRYPTID-MONSTERS LIST

1) Popobawa- A horrific string of encounters with a demonic monster began occurring in 1995 on the Tanzanian island of Pemba, where a creature called “Popobawa” began its reign of terror. Among various reports of terrifying winged entities from around the world, Popobawa stand out in the crowd; after all, how many cryptid monsters are best known for sexually assaulting their (mostly male) victims by sodomizing them? Even worse, the dreaded Popobawa leaves the assaulted with a parting curse: if they don’t tell others of their encounter, he promises to return and repeat the vile intrusion again. Many Tanzanian villagers were said to wait, sleepless, outside their homes for several evenings for fear of the appearance of Popobawa. What is the creature… a result of mass hysteria? An actual cryptozoological monster? Or perhaps worse still, could it be the living embodiment of the Assyrian demon Pazuzu, to which it bears an uncanny resemblance?

2) The Jersey Devil- In 1735 “Mother Leeds”, a supposed witch having birthed 12 children already, had warned that if a thirteenth child were born “he would be the devil himself.” A child was indeed born, appearing normal at first, and then changing form; suddenly, a creature with hooves, a horse’s head, bat wings and a forked tail appeared, growling and screaming before it killed the midwife and escaped up the chimney. Heading into the unforgiving Pine Barrens of New Jersey, sightings would occur for more than one hundred and seventy years until 1909, when the creature suddenly went on a rampage. Panic-stricken towns throughout the region closed schools and country stores as sightings of the creature were reported in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and West Collingswood, New Jersey. Even as recently as 2008, reports of a winged “devil” resembling an enormous gargoyle have stemmed from the region, causing many to wonder if indeed a horrific monster might still lurk in the lonely Pine Barrens.

3) The Flatwoods Monster- On September 12th 1952, a frightening occurrence took place near the town of Flatwoods, West Virginia. Locals responding to the crash of a large object seen streaking through the night sky investigated a wooded hill, where they encountered an entity that terrified them so badly that many were struck with sudden nausea and fainting. Initial reports of this frightening monster featured in area newspapers described a 10-foot-tall “Frankenstein-like” thing with a green body and a blood-red face that glowed. The creature’s head bore bulging, non-human eyes, as well as a strange “Ace of Spades shaped cowling behind it” and hideous claw-like fingers. What of this Earth—or otherwise—could this horrific creature have been?

4) Batsquatch- In 1994, a mountaineer named Butch Whittaker claimed to have seen a demonic-looking creature—even photographing it—while he was getting ready to climb Mt. St. Helens. Whittaker’s photographs may indeed suggest the existence of a purple-skinned, red-eyed brute with Pterodactyl wings and a head resembling “both a primate and a bat”; with the hulking strength of Bigfoot, paired with Mothman’s ability to glide through the air, Batsquatch remains one of the most potentially terrifying cryptid monstrosities out there.

5) Mongolian Deathworms- Reports of giant, red, man-eating worms living in the sands beneath the Gobi Desert date back to the early 1940s. The creatures are described as being bright-red worms with a wide body measuring 2 to 5 feet in length. Mongolian locals say the creatures can spew acid on their prey from a distance, in addition to emitting terrible electric shocks. In spite of such amazing features—especially its size—giant earthworms do exist elsewhere. Take for instance the Giant Palouse Earthworm, thought to be extinct during the 1980s, though sightings since then have confirmed the species still thrives in small numbers. Measuring up to three feet in length, could the Palouse Earthworm have a deadly cousin in the East?